Chasing girls. Chasing Games.



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Chasing girls

This morning I had the honor to speak to a local Mom's group about pregnancy and infant loss - and infertility. Unfortunately, I am an unwilling expert by experience only on this topic. The theme for their year is looking for the light even when darkness is enveloping I sure do hope I was able to provide some faith, hope and love to these lovely mothers. Oh well, I'm still a work in progress But I also want to talk about infertility as well. If any of you have struggled with getting pregnant - then you know that makes losing a pregnancy that much harder. But seriously, this is not even a joking matter. So many of us have endured the loss of a child… in one way or another. I am sure if I asked those who have lost a baby to raise their hands, more than half the room would. And you may be learning about a loss for the first time from someone sitting next to you that you thought you knew so well. If you know what it feels like to be red flagged at the pharmacy for stockpiling Robittussin during ovulation - or thought very seriously that you would do ANYthing under the sun just to get your stressed out partner to perform before your window closed. If you know what it feels like to accept that you need the help of a fertility specialist and you decide not telling anyone is the best worst idea. If you know what it feels like to inject yourself and feel your ovaries swelling beyond the size of your head. If you know what it feels like to experience medically managed hormones that are raging out of control - on top of your own emotions that are trying to fight for a place at the crowded table of rage and fear and sadness and hope and desperation. If you know what it feels like to be inseminated or retrieved or implanted or even to swipe right on potential egg donors that look a little bit like you - maybe - if you turn your head and squint a little. And all this time, the calendar keeps having the audacity to turn. For some reason, many of us are told - or think we need to keep our struggles with fertility a secret. One of the most stressful things you can go through - we often go through alone. Our only ally the nurses we see at our appointments - or the fertility doctor who may have to refresh his memory on your case… or your name… before he walks in the room. The one you need for the most obvious reasons - and the less obvious ones, at least to him. Much is asked of her body, her mind, her spirit. She is the one who will take her temperature, get injections, put her feet in stirrups, carry - and sometimes lose - a pregnancy. They are on call, expected to perform - sometimes into a little cup with only a door between their most vulnerable moment and a room filled with strangers and an anxious wife. But then… hopefully… it happens. You get the two lines or the phone call or the ultrasound with the proof. You are pregnant and suddenly you feel like you can exhale. Finally your life can begin. This is your happy ending. You will count your lucky stars - and thank the one who holds them in place - that you made it. It may be a shocking discovery at home when you feel your hope slipping out between your legs. If ANY of these things have happened to you - whether it was one time or multiple times - I am so, so sorry. ALL of these things… and more… have happened to me. I have had quite a journey, no one can deny. I sometimes wonder if I should pitch my life story to Lifetime as a biopic. Especially with pregnancies, motherhood and loss. Many times I would feel like I was stepping on lost futures and broken promises to climb out of the valley of loss. Often my prayers were angry ones. Are you looking to break me? Why do these things keep happening to me? What is the point? If you have, I have news for you. God sees you there. It took me a long time to realize something. If I prayed for something - even if it was temporary relief from heartache - and nothing changed - I felt like it was a failure. What I know now is that the answers to my prayers may not have been what I asked for - but they were what I needed in order to live out His story. The story He had written long ago. The answers to my prayers were the strength to stand up - even at the bottom of the valley - and to speak, to share my story and even have the guts to praise Him when storms would blow through. You see, that Biopic of my life has already been written, casted, produced and directed by God. I may not like parts of it - I may be confused by a lot of it - I may believe that a few years back there could have used subtitles for me to understand them - but like any good and perfect thing from above, it will come together and make sense one day. But try to take a step back and remember that this moment, as painful as it is - and I know that it is indeed very painful - is just a two minute portion of that movie of yours. Is it that they fear if they share their excitement about a new pregnancy - and then lose the baby - that they would then have to share their loss, their failure, their feelings with others? Well, I would ask you to consider this: Staying quiet in our struggles can test our faith… test our marriages… test our emotional health. But do you know what kinds of things can happen when you speak up? When you share about your pregnancy and the excitement of early life - you allow others to celebrate that miracle, too. Then, if you end up losing that baby - you already have a group of people that will be there to hold you up for a while and mourn the life that they came to know for even a brief time. My first miscarriage was before I had Gavin and it was very painful. We decided to go away on a little vacation and shift our focus away from the loss for a little bit. But I was anxious to try again almost immediately. My second loss was drawn out. Every ultrasound was bittersweet - and slightly awful as I watched one son grow and the other slowly get inched out into nothingness. As the numbers rose on my losses, I developed a thick exterior to deal with it and just kept plugging along. When Darcy was born still, we had a cherry tree planted, a locket made with her name and date, we have her ashes in our home and bought a book to read to her brothers. Does that mean I loved her more than the others I lost? Someone else may have chosen to be knocked out and had her delivered and taken away - which was suggested to me. Would that have meant that they loved their child less? We all do what we have to do to survive heartaches like these… and there is absolutely no right or wrong way to grieve a miscarriage, loss of a child or even the loss of the HOPE for a child. I feel that comparison can also be the thief of grief. Through many of our losses, we had a wonderful neighborhood that would set up a meal train. But meals - especially meals in throw away containers that are just left on the porch with no strings attached unless you are specifically requested to visit - they are the most delicious kind of meals. And if you do have the chance to spend time with the Mom - or even the Dad - just listen. And listen some more. And maybe offer to pray. I have been outspoken about all of my personal struggles - and our struggles as parents - and it has been one of the greatest and most surprising blessings of my life. I worship a God who I know will use my story for good. And I worship a God who, in the meantime, is the best babysitter anyone could ever ask for. That God I worship is your God, too. And even though they are there and we are here - they will always be part of our "Lifetime Movies. Feel free to share your stories of love and loss in the comments - I would be honored to read them. Chasing girls

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9 Comments

  1. If you have, I have news for you. If ANY of these things have happened to you - whether it was one time or multiple times - I am so, so sorry.

  2. The Man Who Invented Christmas: Staying quiet in our struggles can test our faith… test our marriages… test our emotional health. Does this Boston Marathon bombing movie align itself with the facts?

  3. I sure do hope I was able to provide some faith, hope and love to these lovely mothers.

  4. If ANY of these things have happened to you - whether it was one time or multiple times - I am so, so sorry. All Eyez on Me:

  5. I feel that comparison can also be the thief of grief. Does this Boston Marathon bombing movie align itself with the facts? I Can Only Imagine:

  6. Is it that they fear if they share their excitement about a new pregnancy - and then lose the baby - that they would then have to share their loss, their failure, their feelings with others? Does this movie about the backstory of the hit song ring true? As the numbers rose on my losses, I developed a thick exterior to deal with it and just kept plugging along.

  7. She is the one who will take her temperature, get injections, put her feet in stirrups, carry - and sometimes lose - a pregnancy. So many of us have endured the loss of a child… in one way or another.

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