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June 7, Hostile Dependency: Does your wife or girlfriend believe it is your responsibility to take care of her emotionally, physically and financially? Worse yet, does your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend believe the same despite the fact your relationship is over? If so, you may be dealing with hostile dependency. The Root of the Problem Children rely on their parents for their care and safety needs. Even infants can learn to self-soothe by sucking their thumbs, chewing on a blanket, holding a toy and reaching for their bottle or pacifier. Since most children actively avoid parental disapproval, these kids intuitively find indirect ways to get their needs met. A child who has to disavow or mask their needs and feelings from a parent eventually develops an ever-growing anger and resentment. Attachment issues arise from the conflicting messages and discomfort these children are made to feel about being dependent. In more extreme cases, these issues are manifested in personality disorders and other emotional disturbances. Healthy relationships between adults are interdependent: Interdependence is a dynamic of being mutually and physically responsible to, and sharing a common set of principles with others. This kind of woman casts her intimate partners and ex-intimate partners into a parental role. Women who have a hostile dependency upon their husbands, boyfriends or exes are, emotionally speaking, children in adult bodies. Many of these women are ambulatory masses of unmet, unnamed needs. She just know she wants and needs. Adult partners are expected to magically know and meet her needs and if they fail to deliver—look out! On the other end of the continuum is the woman-child who knows exactly what she wants—everything. She wants total financial and emotional support, blind loyalty and unconditional love—especially when her behavior is horrid and abusive. Furthermore, you must not expect her to reciprocate. This is the selfish, haughty teenager. The lid off the id-enfant terrible can sometimes be cute—in actual children. Childhood Development During adolescence, parents help teens individuate into autonomous, responsible adults. Meaning that teens stop attributing their difficulties to parents and others and begin to assume responsibility for their own actions Bios, These are essential developmental milestones that many HCP high-conflict and abusive personality disordered individuals histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, etc. In fact, it may be impossible. All about the Anger Most children experience hostile dependency primarily in adolescence. You see it in teens who want to be treated like independent adults, but are still dependent on mom and dad for food, shelter, etc. The telltale sign of hostile dependency is the anger it generates, in both the dependent person and the person depended upon. Worse yet, these women-children are passing their dysfunction on to the next generation. Ultimately, it comes down to this: Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information. Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, Relations with ego resiliency, the context of marriage and personality change. Journal of Personality, 67 2: Placing motivation and future time perspective theory in a temporal perspective. Educational Psychology Review, 16,
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